Beyond Tradition: Navigating Last Names in LGBTQ+ Relationships

The tradition of changing surnames at marriage often feels like a given, a rite of passage steeped in history. But when we step outside the heteronormative box, the options explode. For LGBTQ+ couples, the decision of what to do with last names becomes a unique opportunity to define their own narrative and create a family identity that reflects their values and individuality. So, what happens when "I do" also means "what's our last name?" Let's explore the creative, meaningful, and sometimes surprising ways LGBTQ+ couples are navigating this important decision.

Embracing the Possibilities: Options Beyond the Binary

Just like the spectrum of gender and sexual identity, the choices around last names are as diverse as the couples making them. Here's a look at the most common - and some refreshingly unconventional - approaches:

• Keeping Your Own: For some, keeping their original surnames is the perfect solution. Perhaps your name is deeply rooted in your personal or professional identity, or you cherish the connection to your family history. This choice honors both individuals' backgrounds.
• One Partner Takes the Other's: This is the most traditional approach, but it takes on a new layer of meaning when chosen outside of societal expectations. It can be a powerful symbol of commitment and unity.
• Combining Last Names: This is where the fun really begins! Combining names can create a new, shared surname that represents the coming together of two families. This option offers a fresh start and a blend of both partners' histories.
• Creating a New Name: Looking for something completely unique? Some couples opt to invent a new surname altogether. This allows them to forge a new identity and a family legacy entirely their own.
• Adding a Name: A slightly less common option is to add the other partner's last name, either as a second last name (double-barreled) or as a new middle name. This can be a creative way to acknowledge both identities without fully changing the surname.

Real-Life Stories: Inspiration from LGBTQ+ Couples

The best way to understand the decision-making process is to hear from those who have walked this path. Here are some examples to spark your own ideas:

The Importance of Flow

As one couple shared, "We went with Lawrence-Jones instead of the typical alphabetical Jones-Lawrence because we liked the flow of it more." This highlights the importance of not just the practicality of the name, but the sound and feel of it. In a marriage, you're building a future. So, make sure your last name sounds like a future you want to live!

Opportunity for a Fresh Start

One partner saw the name change as an opportunity to change their name for reasons other than gender identity, which speaks to the unique freedoms afforded when you're outside the traditional bounds of society. You can rewrite the rules to fit the life that you want!

Artistic Inspiration

Creative couples might consider creating a completely new last name. This offers an opportunity to build a new family unit. In this case, the couple landed on Dresler, born from a mashup of their first names.

Finding Meaning in Your Last Name

Some couples seek a name that holds deeper significance. They may draw inspiration from their interests or values, such as choosing a Sanskrit word or something from their personal roots.

Considering Future Generations

For couples planning to have children, choosing a shared last name can streamline legal processes and create a sense of belonging for the whole family. As one partner shared, 'It also legally legitimizes us as parents to our future children.'

Addressing Common Questions and Concerns

Choosing a last name is a significant decision, and it's natural to have questions and hesitations. Let's address some common concerns:

Does it matter if it's 'legal?'

The answer is: Yes! The easiest, and often only way, for a name change to be "legal" is to get married. This will allow you to update your license, passport, and other essential documents. For anything outside of that, you'll need to go the route of a deed poll, especially if you are considering something more complex. So if you are planning on meshing names, or creating something entirely new, you will likely need a deed poll.

What if your name is "unconventional?"

Don't let that hold you back! In the LGBTQ+ community, there's room for all kinds of names. This goes for the origins and the pronunciations! Think about what matters to you as a couple, and choose a name that feels authentic and right. There are no rules.

Will it impact your career?

This is a valid concern, especially if your name is well-established in your profession. Consider the potential impact and discuss it with your partner. The most important thing is to do what is right for you, and your partner. If you have a career that would be significantly damaged, then don't take the risk. If you're concerned, then you may be able to keep your name.

Next Steps: Making Your Decision with Confidence

Ready to embark on your last name journey? Here are some practical steps to guide you:

1. Start the Conversation: Talk with your partner about your thoughts, feelings, and desires regarding last names.
2. Explore the Options: Research the possibilities and consider the pros and cons of each.
3. Brainstorm and Experiment: Play around with different combinations, create potential new names, or try out how the different options sound.
4. Consider the Future: Think about how the name will affect your family and your shared identity.
5. Make it Official: Once you've decided, take the necessary steps to legally change your name, whether it's through a marriage certificate or a deed poll.

Ultimately, the choice of a last name is a deeply personal one. It's a chance to celebrate your love, define your family, and create a lasting legacy that reflects who you are and what you value. Embrace the opportunity, enjoy the process, and choose the name that tells your unique story.